“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least”

– Goethe

100% Agree, and Easier Said Than Done

This phrase frequently quoted by a mentor of mine, Doug Conant, has been top of mind for me as I begin this next chapter of life. This past week I passed the “First 30 days” mark in my new job as Vice President of Strategy for Yale New Haven Health. It was a lateral move I made with intention to continue growing by learning a new health system and market, and also to try make some more space to be fully present for my family and take better care of myself.

While my children are still “in the nest” these next 6-10 years, I want the freedom to help them with homework (not always fun, but necessary), support them with friendship troubles (ditto), and avidly attend their extracurricular activities (not fully there yet, but about to take off). Regarding self-care, I want to better prioritize my health, both becoming more physically fit and improving my overall well-being. Both have unintentionally slid a bit these last few COVID-impacted years. I have a decently long journey back to my healthiest self, but confidence that I can do it.

The decade-old question of “IF women CAN have it all,” has been replaced with “once you have it, HOW do you DO it all (and thrive and be happy) with what you’ve worked so hard for?” COVID truly catapulted this question front and center as many working parents were asked to do (much) more than was humanly possible. Battling demons who told me I was utterly failing across the board, I can now see how strong and resourceful I really was to get through it…and that life shouldn’t have to be that hard, at least not on this side of COVID-19.

Mind – The Wisdom of a Lighthouse

Concurrent with the work-life gains I’m trying to realize, my determination to add value to the patients that we serve across the Yale New Haven Health system and my strong desire to have impact fuel me each day. This past month, I’ve prioritized visiting each hospital in our health system and the communities we serve. With six hospitals dotting the eastern seaboard from Greenwich, CT to Westerly, RI, who knew it would also allow for a tour of lighthouses?

I recently connected with a Strategy Execution expert and mentor of mine, Rick McKnight. He shared with me a simple framework for thinking about how we oscillate between our best selves (navigator), our worst selves (victim), and the majority of time we spend in between (survivor). The image of a light house immerges as he further explains the metaphor.

The beacon of light at the top of the lighthouse represents our thoughts in “Navigator mode.” In Navigator mode, we enjoy our finest moments. We are wise, calm, thoughtful, and discerning. In Navigator mode, we are our most intentional leaders. We pause, reflect, commit, act, and evaluate our own performance, naturally improving at every step.

Brilliant light is sent forth from the bonnet and helps us see clearly, avoid rocky terrain, and stay on course. I’d take the light imagery a step further and say that in this mode, we truly embrace our calling to be the light of the world for others with contagious optimism and sincere empathy.

As we move deeper into the lighthouse, we reach the most common mode of Survivorship. The tower of the lighthouse represents where most of us are most of the time. It’s not necessarily a bad place to be. There are usually a few windows where we can see out. We are not fully in the dark. And if we could only climb back to the navigator zone, the view would be breathtakingly better. We’d be a lot more intentional vs. incidental in our choices, actions, and words.

At the base of the lighthouse, we find the very depths of our being and enter into victimhood. From the darkness, we express what it has meant to be hurt, damaged, or made to suffer. We especially want people to feel sorry for us and because of this use it our own victimhood as an excuse. I don’t know about you, but I dipped here a few times these last few years…and who am I kidding, more recently than that! We all fall down here sometimes, but the goal is to quickly recover, not stay down there too long, and have the tools (support) you need to help you climb back out.

The Science of Well-Being

The science of well-being is compelling. I was first introduced to it by a faculty member at NYU Langone Health’s Child Study Center, Dr. Alan Schlechter, who works with my family. Dr. Schlecter’s practice focuses on how we each use our own strengths to overcome challenges and flourish.  His research focuses on the role of happiness in improving wellbeing and reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression. Who couldn’t use some more of that? I’d argue we all have a fair bit of catching up to do!

Together he and Dr. Yamalis Diaz (who first worked with my husband and me when our son was about four years old), truly have taught us so much about 1) understanding human behavior, 2) riding waves of emotion (both children and adults can throw tantrums), 3) trying to be our best selves while 4) raising our children to be their best selves as we walk in the world. Sounds straight forward enough. It should be rather easy…right? Wrong! At least in my experience…

Spirit – Gaining Perspective on What Matters Most

I find that that figuring out the prioritization of the plates I’m spinning is not always clear and certainly isn’t static. It’s a daily, and sometimes an hourly, evaluation of what matters most. Sometimes the family has to give a little to support you. The sacrifices are real. There are definitely times work needs to be flexible and support it’s greatest asset, it’s people. This flexibility inevitably leads to loyalty, gratitude, and people giving the best of themselves. As individuals, we cannot lose perspective or make rigid rules to adhere to…nor expect this of others.

Family comes first, career enables family. This has long been a core belief of mine. As I fight the adrenalin that comes with an exciting new adventure, it has been coupled by the pressure I put on myself to demonstrate that I’m a high-performer and was a worthwhile hire.

I have caught myself working non-stop (tapping solidly into my own discretionary time) by choice. I’ve also been out-of-the-house a lot more and for longer hours than I’ve been in recent months.

Certainly it doesn’t serve my family well if I’m not successful professionally when so much of their lifestyle is tied to my success professionally (e.g., medical insurance, mortgage, school, etc.).

Still both my son and my daughter had a hard time with the adjustment, expressing it in various ways, some of which through negative attention-seeking behavior. I love that they keep me honest if the balance has shifted for too long!

These last two weeks, I’ve been able to recalibrate a bit, realizing my own actions in sprinting my way into the new role. I’m reminding myself to not only work hard, but to work smart. While I do need to rebuild relationship and gain credibility within my new company, I don’t need to “hustle for my own worthiness” to quote Brené Brown. I’ve got this!

I’m finding new ways to juggle being onsite in New Haven and/or at hospitals in our health system for critical relationship building, adjacent to days I can work remotely or from the quiet of our office in Greenwich, CT (near home). Not only do I save the commute, but integrating “thinking days” helps me gain perspective and ensure I’m doing the right work in the right order. Don’t let what matters most be at the mercy of what matters least. This applies to work too! It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Running Slower

On these days, I figurately run a bit slower which allows me the flexibility to prioritize my family, doing reading homework with my son, Zachary (1st grade), or math / science homework with my daughter, Natalie (5th grade).

Outside of schoolwork, it has also allowed me to be plugged in with what each child is thinking about and helps me stretch and shape their thinking. Raising children is definitely a long game. I cannot wait to see the kind of people each grows up to be.

Last week, I engaged in a fascinating conversation that Zachary initiated regarding the political dynamics between North and South Korea. We discussed concepts of what it means to live in a free country. Zachary, with conviction, articulated his plan to run for president and change all the laws that lead to the oppression of free speech and suppression of the will of the people. What a gift to see the power of democracy through the eyes of a child!

Just yesterday, Natalie begged me to watch the trailer of a new series called “Baking Impossible” on Netflix with her.

Early in her tween years, all too often I find myself in the totally uncool category of people.

Taking the time to sit with my daughter and engage in a reality game show that combines two of her strengths: 1) loves of baking and creativity with 2) her prowess of engineering and math was so, so fun.

It gave me the gift of time, witnessing the excitement through her eyes. I felt incredibly blessed that Natalie wanted to share these moments with me. As we watched, all the little secrets of her heart poured out as she navigates late elementary school/early middle school dynamics in this shared closeness.

Body – Prioritizing Yourself is not Selfish

While I can continue to do better in this space, I’ve started running again. This is something I truly used to love and provides excellent think time. On Tuesday morning, I did a beautiful sunrise run on the Yale University campus. I had splurged for a hotel room after 3+ hrs of driving up to and back from Rhode Island and used the evening in New Haven to take the team to dinner.

Embracing the idea that Slow Miles are Better Than No Miles, I found so much joy in it. Because it’s life-giving, I find myself lacing up my running shoes more often. I’m trying to shift my mindset from have to to get to as I approach exercise. One fun idea I have as I continue to learn the Connecticut market is coming year is to do progressively longer fun runs that benefit our hospitals and the communities we serve. Anyone in to join me?

Our family’s gym is now on my commute north. I’m trying to carve out a few days a week to lap swim and/or lift weights, fueled with endorphins exercise tends to catapult me back into the navigation space. We’ve long known that exercise is a gateway to healthier living (eating and sleeping well tend to follow). I have a long way to go in this category, and am excited to be back on the journey.

Vocation – Keeping Patients at the Center

In learning to recognize our own humanity and be at our best, we are able to connect to the humanity of others and bring our best. As I’ve had the opportunity to tour and meet the leadership of all six of our hospitals, I’ve intentionally made a point spend time in each chapel, cafeteria, and auxiliary gift shop. Over the last two decades of working in healthcare, I’ve found deep connection with patients and families by frequently visiting these hubs of a hospital.

It’s not uncommon to walk into the chapel and encounter a family member in fervent prayer. Equally as likely is encountering a member of a care team (i.e., doctor or nurse), who has stepped into the chapel and is offering up prayers of strength to better serve their patients. I find both the caregiver and patient/family member perspective to been equally beautiful and humbling. I make a point of reading the prayer book, adding my prayers those written, and taking in the perspectives of our community. I’ve de-identified 3 authentic prayers below I encountered this month.

The Communities We Serve

At it’s best, healthcare is local, as well as world-class. Visiting each community in our healthcare delivery network has given me a flavor for the community that we are called to serve and fuel to be a part of bring the Care Signature of Yale to each site. Outside New Haven, Bridgeport, CT is the 4th largest city in Connecticut. I had the pleasure of visiting Bridgeport Hospital and the Milford Campus this past week.

In gaining a flavor for it’s history and the community which is serves, I learned that Bridgeport Hospital was founded by P.T. Barnum! I heard the storied history of Bridgeport, CT and in that context, some of the challenges facing the community today.

Prioritizing putting my children to bed on Sunday night, I woke up early and pulled back around 5am on Monday morning to make my way up to Westerly, RI followed by New London, CT. Walking the downtown of each community, eating in a local restaurant, and reading about the rich history of each helps me feel connected to the cause and our patient base. Again, what matters most should never be at the mercy of what matters least…and our patients and families ought always be at the center.

Avocation – Letting go with faith like a child

As I start anew across work and life, I find myself relying on a combination of what has served me well, making adaptations where my past behavior hasn’t, and applying both sets of learnings to situations I’ve never fully encountered. I feel blessed with the spirit of comradery, the support of those who have gone before me, and the wanting of those who continue to harken for a better world. I’m learning to have faith like a child that this was the right next step.

Just a few blocks from the flagship Yale New Haven Hospital campus, is our St. Raphael’s campus. The two merged about seven years ago, but with intention allowing St. Raphael’s to hold onto its Catholic heritage. It’s been cool for me to see that this is possible. Our new CEO (transition happens imminently) is a past President/CEO of St. Raphael’s earlier in his career.

In addition to prioritizing my family and my career, I’ve continued digging into those things that bring me joy and fill my spirit like leading song at the 9am Mass at St. Augustine and teaching a few students through my small voice studio keep me going. It’s a cumulative commitment of about 2hr-3hrs per week, and the ratio of joy to time is exceptionally high.

There are many days, I fall to the bottom of the lighthouse and play the victim. I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I spend a fair bit of time in the tower of the lighthouse hustling for survival. I do not pretend to be the perfect mother, the ideal healthcare executive, nor the posterchild of a working mom.

And at the same time, I hope that my struggle and success will prove to inspire and inform others who are currently walking in this space or hope to one day. Those moments of clarity that come from getting it right and seeing your priorities clearly in the navigation realm is what you need to cling to and use to set your own priorities, even when it’s hard to carve out time for them.

Can we dare to be bold enough to envision a world where these elements are in some semblance of balance when we zoom out and look across a given week or month? You as navigator of your own life need to call the shots each days according to the day’s priorities. Unfortunately (at least in my own experience), there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer that transcends across all situations.

I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to and that life can be full. It will not be easy, but it is possible AND it will be fulfilling. In your backcourt, Mary Enquist