Forming a Firm Foundation with the Building Blocks of Life

“Dear younger me, I cannot decide

Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life

Or do I go deep and try to change the choices that you’ll make

Because they’re choices that made me.”

Excerpt of lyrics from “Dear Younger Me”, Bart Millard of MercyMe

Which building blocks will you choose to play with?

I remember reading a thought-provoking article shortly after I graduated college that talked about the choices people make early-on in their lives and the divergent nature of where these choices lead. It pointed out the temptation and the misery of trying to benchmark your life against others, as a litmus test for the path not chosen.

“Comparison is the quickest way to suck all the fun out of a room.”

Hannah Marie Corbin, Peloton Instructor

The article went on to present a longitudinal study of a group of college friends, who up until that time had striking similarities in their life experiences. Fifteen years later, what unfolded for each was starkly different.

Will you pursue graduate school or not? If so, in what field?

What will your first job be? Where will you choose to locate?

Will you choose to marry ? If so, who and why?

Do you want to have kids? If so, how many?

Of course, life isn’t quite as planned as fielding the answers to the above set of questions. There is certainly luck, some trial and error, and continual discernment and adjustments involved, particularly regarding picking a life partner. Still, in my own experience, I have found the same natural experiment to ring true.

I had a wonderful cohort of girlfriends at Notre Dame. All brunettes who loved to wear red, we dubbed ourselves “the Scarlet Society.” We were good students, musicians, Catholic, and passionate about our respective interests. There were even a couple Notre Dame gents who swarmed the group seemingly trying to find a wife, which we girls found comical.

While our core values remain congruent, our lives took divergent paths. One of us became a nun. A few chose to marry, have kids, and home school. A couple worked in ministry. One founded an international not-for-profit. I went on to hold a more traditional corporate job. We have between 0-5 kids each and live in various parts of the world.

We are each happy and fulfilled by our choices. We remain friends and support each other, not judging each woman’s choices.

Who will you choose to play with?

Certainly, who you choose to walk with on the journey plays a major role in shaping your identity and in the choices that you make. Functioning as your sounding board for decision making, the close friendships you keep, the people you may date, and ultimately how you select a life partner (should you choose to do so) are critical.

We often think about success and our pursuit of career and/or life goals as a solitary endeavor. In fact, up until quite recently, research on success did so as well. Yet, based on our own life experience, most would agree with the famous phrase by John Donne, “no man [or woman] is an island entire of itself.”

Known as the Michelangelo Phenomenon, over the last decade psychologists have extensively studied the interpersonal processes in which close relationships influence or “sculpt” each other. The theory is based on the principle that we each are on a pursuit of self-discovery to uncover our “ideal form,” just as Michelangelo believed that sculpture was about chiseling away the unnecessary to uncover the beauty within. The relationships we keep have the power to either accelerate and help us in our self-actualization, or hinder our progress.

For me, I feel incredibly lucky to have found a life partner who has grown with me and supported me at every step as my dreams (and his) have evolved. When we first fell in love, I was a musician trying to figure out how to make a career in the performing arts work, and how those ambitions stacked up against my desire for financial stability and a family.

I’ve become increasing conscious of the friendship I keep in my innermost circle. I’ve always been blessed with really wonderful friends, but invest the most time in those who push me to be my best. Indeed, my taste in people has evolved as I’ve grown in finding my own leadership voice and intentionally deciding how I want to walk in the world.

How will you choose to stack them?

For better or worse, at music school, it seemed that every professor delivered the same message to us, “If you can do anything other than music, do it. Your life will be better.”

Looking back on that message, while I appreciate the candor, I do find it to be a bit sad as singing gives me immeasurable joy. I had worked harder and longer on few things in my life up until that point. Still, the character development, thick-skin, ability to take feedback, discipline, stage presence, and performance delivery it taught me has served my business career far better than any other training I’ve yet to encounter.

I heard the message loud and clear and took it to heart. Having pursued two fields of study, vocal performance and psychology, I leaned into exploring what I might do in the health science sphere.

Here too, looking back on it, the choices presented to me were a bit limited. The two paths outlined included getting a PhD in Psychology which I was advised was more competitive than getting into Medical School and would take 5+ years to complete or getting a Masters of Social Work. Given Notre Dame’s heavy emphasis on social justice and service, the latter option was pushed heavily.

The summer before my senior year, very much in love with my now husband, I decided to do a Summer Service Project in New York City. It provided me room and board, an applied experience in social work, and coupled with reading by Trappist monk, Thomas Merton, one credit in Theology.

A true immersion experience, my room was embedded within the transitional housing for the homeless and my board consisted of eating the meals I helped prepare and serve at the shelter, as well as being able to bring home a bag of cans each week from the food pantry. As a 20-something naive girl from the rural Midwest, it was complete culture shot, but I grew up a lot that summer.

My placement was at an organization called Project Hospitality on Staten Island. Project Hospitality serves more than 26,000 impoverished and marginalized individuals annually, providing the essentials of food, clothing, shelter, transitional and permanent housing, health and mental health services, substance abuse treatment, HIV prevention and care, domestic violence education and services, and services for at-risk youth.

I vividly remember a reporter interviewing me after my 8-week experience intending to write a feel-good story. She asked me if I felt I “had made a difference.” While I truly believe in the importance of service work, my response to that question was “no.” I had helped a few people temporarily.

I was heading to the airport to fly back to the comfort of my life as a senior at Notre Dame. The systemic issues underlying the suffering and despair I had experienced that summer would remain. Many of the same individuals would be back the day after I left, hungry and still in desperate need of support. Those few short weeks had provided clarity on what level within an organization I felt called to serve in my career. Social Workers are my heroes, doing front-line work. I wanted to take on the core issues more globally to maximize influence and help the greatest number of people I could. To do so, I felt I needed to be in a management role to influence decision-making at the top.

What will you choose to build?

Fortunately, that summer I also learned from a New Yorker about a Masters Program at Columbia University in the field of Public Health, specifically the Healthcare Policy & Management track. I honestly don’t even remember the person’s name, but this tip and a fair amount of research into the curriculum to follow shown a light on a path I previously hadn’t even known about. I filled my class schedule with course work that would prepare me to pursue a career within the business of healthcare and began the application process early on in my senior year.

As the future would have it, over a decade later in my role leading the Strategy, Planning, & Business Development team at NYU Langone Health, Project Hospitality came across my desk through a merger I helped facilitate. I continue to donate to Project Hospitality. A few years back, after asking their leadership about areas of greatest need, my team began hosting a sock drive each Thanksgiving, providing over 10,000 pairs of socks ahead of winter. Team members serve a holiday meal and have the opportunity to hand-out socks to the people we serve. Our organization also hosts a company-wide annual backpack drive, providing school supplies to children who receive care at our Federally Qualified Health Centers (FQHCs).

Day-in and day-out, my team supports creating analytical dashboards, staffing models, and strategic initiatives that help the FQHCs sustainably serve as many individuals as possible with healthcare of the highest quality. It’s one of several bodies of work in our portfolio, but provides a deep sense of purpose. While I don’t pretend that these efforts are ever “enough”, it has been special to see this come full circle and my career be an avenue to help the organization in a more global way.

I am far from done in chiseling myself down to my ideal form, but I do look back on the first few decisions I made coming out of college fondly and am grateful for the foundation they set. I have been lucky in love. I have some incredible friends and mentors who inspire me to continually do better as a person and as a leader. After much discernment and a few lateral moves, I have found a career I enjoy and a way to serve that plays to my strengths. Wherever you are on your journey, I’m certain with some reflection and intentional practice, you will too!

How did your first few major life choices influence the trajectory of your life and career?