Day 6: Arzúa to Rúa (~13 miles)

This morning I woke up early and found myself smiling remembering the laughs and stories swapped the night before with my new friends from Australia over a craft of sangria in Arzúa. About 10 years ahead of me on the journey, they imparted both marital and parental wisdom, adopting me into their crew. With only two more walk days to go, I am already feeling a little bit sad that this incredible journey is nearing conclusion. It has fully exceeded my expectations for what I had hoped to get out of it.

Walking around our charming hotel before dawn, I took the photo pictured above. The earliest wayfinding markers for pilgrims on the Camino were these crucifixes as they charted the path to Santiago de Compostela. Santiago or “Sant Iago” literally translates to St. James. James was one of the twelve apostles who during the great commission was sent forth to bring the Gospel to Hispania (modern day Spain and Portugal). Compostela translates to “Field of Stars.” Derived from the Latin “campus stellae” referencing the stars of the Milky Way which according to legend since the Middle Ages, the Camino’s route has been guided by the stars are pilgrims followed the route to reach the tomb of Saint James. And so in the wee hours of the morning as I take photos on my iPhone, catching a glimpse of the Big Dipper just beyond the cross felt very fitting.

Breakfast of Champions

The hotel we stayed it this night of the trip couldn’t have been more charming. It was a few miles out in the country, but when you are walking this far each day whose counting. Each pilgrim room was in a cluster with four others in its own little stone villa. A magnificent garden complete with a fountain and two full grown swans roamed the grounds. Undeterred by humans, one tapped on the window while we were sitting down for breakfast hoping for a tasty treat.

Following breakfast, we posed for our customary morning photo before we embarked on the Camino. Six days in we had gotten to know one another very well, sharing breakfasts, dinners, and portions of the daily walks together. Although I had embarked on this journey alone as I left New York, I was far from alone and felt surrounded by the love and support of friends. Members of my group had also caught on to me wearing themed tee-shirts each day and had begun asking me about them.

Tough as a Mother

My tee-shirt for the day read “Tough as a Mother.” My husband and I waited a few years before having children. I finished graduate school. We built our careers. I ran marathons. We lived in Brooklyn. As a farmer’s daughter from the Midwest making her way in NYC, I thought I was pretty tough. Still once my daughter and son came on the scene, everything changed. I had no idea how strong, determined, and resilient I was. “Mom energy” is next level and not something you can fully understand until you are in the position where you have to function at a level far above what you previously thought was humanly possible.

In some ways, my theme song for this period of “Just Be Held” is quite ironic. The opening line “Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong” – this couldn’t be truer for parents, especially mothers. The second line continues “Life hits you out of nowhere and barely keeps you holding on.” This has been the story of my life since choosing to get married and become a parent, the roles of wife and mother are both the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done and certainly have been the hardest.

Less than 30-minutes into our morning walk, my friend, Robin, asked me how I was doing. I suppose I was probably a bit quiet and introspective, which wasn’t unusual for me on the Camino. I shared openly that I was struggling a little bit today. Her next question was if it I was struggling physically or mentally. While we had cumulatively walked over 60 miles by the end of the day, where I was flagging was on the emotional front. The last two days had covered some emotionally laden ground and today was no different.

Scaring the Octopus

The focus for the day was reflecting on about the last 24 months to present day. During this period, our family endured a couple serious medical events that “hit me out of nowhere and barely left me holding on.” My kids fondly refer to me as “the octopus.” If you need a mental image, imagine my two kiddos waving their arms around like tentacles and encircling me in a big hug. What does it mean to be the octopus? It means that you are relied upon to keep the coordination of all moving parts going simultaneously, while also serving as the strong central force holding the family together and keeping us safe. When a family member starts to go astray or need additional support, I am responsible for stability, problem-solving and being the arms that reach out and pull him or her back into the fold. It’s an amazing role and privilege. There are definitely days that the pressure and chaos make me want to go “ink myself” and hide in a dark shadowy cove.

Walking through Galicia, images of “pulpo” (Spanish for Octopus) abound. Pulpo a la gallega is one of the region’s signature dishes served up warm with paprika. Out of curiosity, I just Googled the recipe and noticed that a key step is “scaring the octopus,” a technique that consists of taking the octopus by the head and dipping it in and out of the boiling water three times (about 5 seconds each time). Yes, that metaphor resonates. There were definitely times during the last two years that felt a bit like that.

Establishing Your Boundaries

You may not know that Octopuses have three hearts(!), are incredible problem solvers and are remarkably strong. They also are known to protect themselves by setting firm boundaries, throwing sand at aggressors when they need their space. The last two years has also taught me the importance of setting boundaries. This is not something that I’ve historically been good at or even fully understood the need for. I am a very transparent person and I’m quick to let others in and show them my heart. While my intentions have been good in this practice, life has taught me that I need protect my own heart first.

Henri Nouwen in his book, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey through Anguish to Freedom, captures perfectly in the passage below.

“You must decide for yourself to whom and when you give access to your interior life. For years you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires. Thus you were no longer master in your own house, and you felt increasingly used. So, too, you quickly became tired, irritated, angry, and resentful.

Think of a medieval castle surrounded by a moat. The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle.

It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think that you are being generous in giving access to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul.

When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others.”

Henri Nouwen in The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey through Anguish to Freedom (New York: Image, 1998) 84-85.

Boundaries Help Us Be Compassionate & Hold on to our Integrity

A dear friend of mine shared this video clip of Brene Brown with me recently. In her research, Brene found that a common trait in the most compassionate people is that they are very clear and consistent on their boundaries. This allows them to hold on to loving others from a place of integrity. One insight that I found so poignant in her work in this space is that you truly accept the notion that “people are doing the best that they can” your perspective shifts from judgment and anger to acceptance and grief.

As I walked the Camino today, there were a number of things I found myself still angry about and people I was still angry with. Unlike the hurts of last few days, which I had largely processed before and found forgiveness – the emotions of these last two years felt raw. I had focused so much on getting through it and then getting past it, that my work for today was looking at what happened with enough perspective to more clearly see which parts were my fault and which parts were not my fault. I have a tendency to assume more fault than is probably fair to myself. Looking at situations honestly and seeking to see experiences and interactions for what they were, I felt overcome with grief. I also found the ability to pray for those who had hurt me, wishing them well and trying to accept the notion that they were doing the best they could…even when it is hard for me to believe that.

Your World’s Not Falling Apart, It’s Falling Into Place

Bringing it back to the title of this post, the song “Just Be Held” continues “And when you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control. There’s freedom in surrender. Lay it down and let it go.” Whatever it is that you are carrying around, I encourage you to know that you are not alone. Even us octopuses need to be held once in a while. My absolute favorite verse of this piece states “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.” I truly believe that. A few dips in the boiling pot of life also brings clarity to your relationships, delineating the people that rally to support you and those who just aren’t capable of doing so (and are probably just doing the best they can in their own lives in that chapter). During the same time period that rocked our little family to the core, my husband and I each started a business. We took a leap of faith bought a townhouse in MN and spend as much time as we can there over the summer, school breaks, and holidays. This combination has given us flexibility to be closer to family more often, have more time with our kids and find some incredible schools that are each a great fit for our daughter and son. While it may take a little bit of time and perspective to move past the anger into forgiveness and to process the grief making space for joy, there is goodness and new life in the end!

For all of you who have been on this journey with me, I am truly grateful!! Your friendship is a blessing.

Flower of the Day – Alyssum

Sweet Alyssum symbolize restraint, emotional balance, and worth beyond beauty and a sweetness of soul. I don’t know a better summarization of being a wife and mother than worth beyond beauty. In our yard in NY, I scattered these seeds around our Little Free Library and along the trail by a farm a few miles outside of Rua.

Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held, just be held

Just be held, just be held

Songwriters: Bernie Herms, John Mark Hall, Matthew Joseph West.