Day 5: Melide to Arzúa (~10 miles)

Letting Go of What You Don’t Need

Crossing the halfway point, I felt I was starting to get the hang of this Camino and gaining confidence that I could finish the mileage each day. 10 miles? A short day on the Camino! I was getting weary of living out of a suitcase and backpack. Having to pack up and cram everything into my luggage each morning and sleeping in a new bed each night made me question both literally and metaphorically if I needed everything I was carrying with me on this journey. The resounding answer was no, and so I started to leave things behind.

I started with things I didn’t need anymore. Things that weren’t useful to me now. The dirty tee-shirt I wore yesterday that symbolized the pain and depression I worked through following COVID went straight into the hotel garbage can. I donated some of the warm-weather gear I brought, but did not need at the front desk for future pilgrims. What could I let go of today and leave on the trail mentally and emotionally? What was truth and helpful? What was lies and was leading to an erosion of my confidence, anxiety, or fear?

Focus on Taking the Next Step

Strategy and planning are what I’m great at. I do these things for a living and thoroughly enjoy that work. Thinking two to three steps ahead, identifying and mitigating risks, putting a thoughtful execution plan in place and iterating as new information unfolds is how my brain works. I suppose it’s no surprise that in my life too, I crave knowing the whole picture and trick myself into thinking that I’m in control.

On the Camino, you take the next step in front of you, looking for the signs that mark the way, and knowing you’ll never walk the same part of the path again as you push forward toward Santiago. It also provides something that is often in short supply in our daily lives – quiet and time. Having hours of both time and quiet allows great reflection to examine the lies we tell ourselves and/or have been told by others. That is what I intended to tackle today – starting with the lies that I am in control and that my life will go according to my plan.

Finding Calm in a Daily Routine

Even in the hour or so I was awake before hitting the Camino each morning, I had found a way to impose structure and control which made me feel safe and prepared for whatever the day had in store.

• Wake up by 7:00am to review the distance and elevation profile for the day;
• Remind myself what was on the docket reflection-wise so I could pull out the corresponding tee-shirt and flower seeds of the day;
• Rub “Happy Toes” foot salve over both my feet up to my ankles; I had never used this product before the trip, but found it intriguing at my local running store the day I left.
• Pull on my high-tech “Wright Socks” that were gifted to me for Christmas by my mother-in-love.
• Apply Body Glide to any areas of potential chaffing; Marathon knowledge coming in handy.
• Apply sunscreen; No more Melanoma, please.
• Pack my day pack with the minimum possible, while still having everything I’d need (e.g., Euros, pilgrim passport, more sunscreen, Body Glide, extra socks, etc.);
• Drop my suitcase at the front desk for baggage transfer by 7:30am and grab breakfast and coffee with my group; and
• Brush teeth, a 10-minute full body stretch on an exercise app, and one more bathroom stop right before we head out at 8am.

“Not Throwing Away My Shot”

My tee-shirt for today was one I bought when my husband and I went to see the musical “Hamilton” on Broadway. My soundtrack for the day was, you guessed it, “Hamilton” and the chapter of life I was going to focus on was late 2021-fall of 2023. Why “Hamilton?” “I’m Not Throwing Away My Shot” was a theme song of sorts as I started a new role at a new company for the first time since I was in my mid-twenties. I found it inspirational as I embarked on a new chapter of my professional journey after being at one health system for the first 15 years of my career. As the deputy to a member of the Senior Leadership Team, I identified a bit with Hamilton – “young, scrappy, and hungry.”

I had thoughtfully made this move and had been discerning it for almost six months. I knew the reasons why I was making the change. I had done my research on both the professional and family-front to make sure what we needed was available. I had a plan and I was going to execute it accordingly. Little did I know that there was some significant curve balls coming my way that I wouldn’t be prepared for and would need to find a way to navigate through. There was also a bit of a fairytale that had been constructed in part by me and in part by some others that probably did not know better. The thing about fairytales is that they generally are not based on truth.

The Weight of Cumulative Grief

My father died in August, 2021. This was expected. My Godfather, his older brother, died four months later in December. This was not expected…at least for me. The last time I had been with my Uncle Bill was the day of my Dad’s funeral. He came and sat next to me and held my hand as we sat in a circle in the gathering space of my childhood church telling stories of my dad. I am not sure I had ever seen Uncle Bill cry before that day, and he told me he wasn’t sure he was up to talking. Still, he rallied and closed out the storytelling sharing memories of him and Dad as teenagers and my Dad having his first crush on a girl.

Earlier that week, I had spent the majority of my time sitting across from Uncle Bill at his kitchen table. He quietly worked on organizing his incredible and prolific photography. I did various things like writing my Dad’s obituary, calling Dad’s friends and asking them to be honorary pall bearers, and other logistical things I learned in my crash course of what went into planning a funeral. A second father figure to me, I had not thought about losing Uncle Bill. Of course, Bill had had his fair share of medical events and was a few years older than Dad. I guess Dad’s revolving door of hospitalizations had distracted me from considering a world where I wouldn’t have either of them in my life in the near-term. The night that Uncle Bill died, I distinctly remember uttering out loud to my husband as I sat down on the couch, “I am not ok.” That week was also when I discovered “Hamilton” on Disney+. I watched it that night and almost every evening for awhile as a way to mentally tune out and numb the grief I was feeling.

While a very different kind of grief, I was also working through the loss of what was familiar to me professionally. I missed my colleagues, my former health system, and knowing how decisions were made. I missed the reputation and credibility I have built over years of service. I missed having the cell phone numbers of about a hundred people across the system on speed dial to rapidly problem solve something. My new longer commute gave me adequate time for thought, reflection, tears when I needed them, often listening to “Hamilton” whose soundtrack could easily fill the duration of my ~90-minute drive across the State of CT.

And then Cancer…

One incredible silver lining of this time was that in my transition between companies is that prior to switching insurance carriers I took care of all my annual visits, including seeing my dermatologist. As a result, a month after of starting my new role, I received the diagnosis of melanoma and the need for surgery to remove it, reconstruct my ear, and a comprehensive treatment plan. For as long as I can remember, I have worried that I would be diagnosed with cancer as an adult. This news coming on the heels of so much change and loss felt crushing. I could clearly see the blessings as well and the diagnosis was hard to carry.

Recognizing Old Patterns of Behavior & Thinking

None of this had been in my plan. The consequence of this, particularly the emotional burden that came with it, really threw a monkey wrench into what I had thought would be my primary focus of this chapter – “Not throwing away my shot” at my new job. Feeling that pressure, I decided against medical advice to not take any time off of work as I was going through treatment. I had come back to my job right away after having both of my kids, work coming first was all I knew in that regard. Looking back on that decision, it was a mistake. I needed time to heal. Pushing myself to work harder, grit my teeth, and muscle through it was a well-established pattern for me. For the most part of my life, that had been a successful strategy.

What was different this time was that I did not have the same reserves in the tank. I also did not appreciate how greatly me having cancer would impact my kids’ mental health. Part of why I had made a shift was a result of sheer exhaustion coming off of COVID, which had come right after having two really small kids. I had been holding on for dear life in trying to keep everything together for so long. I value resilience and am a very strong and resourceful person. I never expected life to be easy. Still, I did not expect it to be THIS hard. The other big reason I had changed jobs was to prioritize the family more and be present for them during these years. Now Mommy had cancer which was super scary for them and Mommy was never home. I was back to working the same long hours, and on top of that, had a 3-hour daily commute. To make matters worse, our medical insurance coverage had changed, causing significant financial stress, and access to care that we had counted on and taken for granted was now scarce to nonexistent.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other

Taking stock of some of the pesky lies that I’ve been telling myself for years, these top the list:

• I’m in control.
• Things will work out according to my plan if I’m thoughtful enough and proactive enough.
• I will get through it if I just work harder.
• If it’s not perfect, I’m a failure.
• If someone is upset or doesn’t like me, it’s my fault.

Add to it some of the lies that were coming at me from external sources that I internalized:

• I wasn’t enough.
• I was inherently flawed.
• No one liked me or wanted to get to know me.
• I was not valued.

Do any of these resonate?

Offering It Up

Throughout today’s walk, I spent a good amount of time in prayer. I was surprised how easily the tears fell. Unlike some of the other life event I had revisited in prior days, these events still had a sting to them. I noticed myself feeling angry, which to be honest is kind of a rare emotion for me. I am much more likely to feel sad and blame myself. I felt angry that some of these things happened. I also felt angry with a handful of people. One of the tenants of the Christian faith is to pray for those who wrong you.

As I worked my way through the Sorrowful Mysteries that afternoon, I offered up a decade of the rosary to a couple of people in particular. These were people who hurt me and fed some of those lies, whether they intended to or not. I wish them well and pray that they can change those hurtful behaviors so they do not harm others and that they find healing themselves. As Christ forgave those who betrayed him, mocked him, and even killed him, we must forgive. We also must learn to forgive ourselves, and to accept that we are not perfect. One of the greatest learnings I’ve taken from the last five years is the need to give myself some grace. To talk to myself like I would a dear friend. To take care of myself and love myself like I would my children.

Reframing My Perspective with the Truth

To close, thank you for allowing me to be a bit all over today in this blog post. Grief is not linear and nor were my thoughts today. Looking back over my list of lies, it’s remarkable how if you just flip a word or two – the exact opposite is true.

• I’m NOT in control.
• I will get through it if I just work harder take care of myself and adjust accordingly.
• If it’s not Nothing is perfect, I’m a failure and making mistakes is how we learn.
• If someone is upset or doesn’t like me, it’s probably not my fault.
• I AM wasn’t enough.
• I am inherently flawed, and still have great worth.
• No one liked me or wanted to get to know me.
• If I am was not valued, I’m hanging out with the wrong people.

Don’t “throw away your shot!” And if you need to, it’s ok to make some adjustments and take another shot at it. Aside from a duel, most situations in life are more forgiving. Wishing you truth today as we each continue our journey!

Flower of the Day: Morning Glory

Dating back to early in the 3rd century, the morning glory has held significant meaning for many cultures, symbolizing eternal love, resilience, renewal, and new beginnings. These seeds I soaked over night before I planted them on a south-facing bank of the trail in full sun. In our yard in NY, we planted these circling a cherry blossom we planted a few years ago in memory of my Godfather, Uncle Bill.

The Truth

How many times can you hear the same lie
Before you start to believe it?
The enemy keeps whisperin’ to me
I swear these days, it’s all that I’m hearin’
I used to know who I was
Now I look in the mirror and I’m not so sure
Lord, I don’t wanna listen to the lies anymore
The truth is I am my Father’s child
I make Him proud and I make Him smile
I was made in the image of a perfect King
He looks at me and wouldn’t change a thing
The truth is I am truly loved
By a God who’s good when I’m not good enough
I don’t belong to the lies, I belong to You
And that’s the truth
When I feel like there’s so much noise
Livin’ rent free in my head
Heaven finds me in a still small voice
And it sounds like grace instead
You remind me who I am
When I look in the mirror and I’m not so sure
Lord, I don’t wanna listen to the lies anymore
The truth is I am my Father’s child
I make Him proud and I make Him smile
I was made in the image of a perfect King
He looks at me and wouldn’t change a thing
The truth is I am truly loved
By a God who’s good when I’m not good enough
I don’t belong to the lies, I belong to You
And that’s the truth
I know who I am ’cause I know who You are
And I hold Your truth inside of my heart
I know the lies are always gonna try and find me
But I’ve never been so sure
The truth is I am my Father’s child
I make Him proud and I make Him smile
I was made in the image of a perfect King
He looks at me and wouldn’t change a thing
The truth is I am truly loved
By a God who’s good when I’m not good enough (not good enough)
I don’t belong to the lies, I belong to You (I belong to You)
And that’s the truth
And that’s the truth
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jeff Pardo / Matthew West / Megan Woods
The Truth lyrics © Capitol CMG Publishing, Essential Music Publishing