Trying to Defy Gravity while your World comes crashing down
For as long as I can remember, I’ve adopted a theme song for each chapter of my life. The song tends to find me and resonate deeply. The lyrics capture what I’m trying to accomplish so well that the song feels as if it were written for me. In the fall/winter of 2019, my theme song was “Defying Gravity” from the musical “Wicked.” To give you a flavor of the big, bold, and brassy self-confidence inherent in the piece, I’ve included a snippet of the lyrics which I relished at the time.
“I’m through accepting limits, because someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change, but ’til I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love it comes at much too high a cost!Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity
Defying Gravity, “Wicked” by Stephen Schwartz
And you can’t pull me down!”
I had recently been promoted to Vice President at an organization where I had built my career. I was in the best physical shape my life. I had even been dubbed “Working Mother of the Year” by my CEO and accepted an award on stage in a ball gown at a pageant-like ceremony put on by Working Mother Magazine at a fancy NYC hotel. The journey of motherhood is grueling with far too few acknowledgements for the selfless acts of service a woman does day-in and day-out for her family. Silly as it felt, it was a fun acknowledgement of all I was trying to accomplish across domains of life and a recognition I felt ALL mothers deserved.
Like Idina Menzel on the Broadway Stage, the tenacity of my message was clear “look out world!” Here I was showing up with newfound confidence, empowerment, ready to take on life’s next challenge. Little did I know (little did any of us know) what was right around the corner in spring of 2020! I thought I was prepared and ready for whatever life would throw at me – resilient, resourceful, and strong. And in some ways, that was exactly the head space that I would need for what was coming next.
The Pendulum Swing of Pride to Insecurity
This past Sunday, I had the joy of leading song (cantoring) at the 9am Mass. Fr. James Rebeta, C.S.C, spoke about the human temptation of pride and its opposite human manifestation of anxiety and self-doubt. Sure enough, a quick Google search confirmed that even the Oxford Dictionary defines the opposite of pride as shame.
I can personally relate to both ends of that spectrum. Fr. Rebeta challenged us all to try find a middle way, aided by God’s love for us. If I could give my younger self (circa 2019) some advice, it would be to keep the confidence and strength, but lose the pride born of “self-made” individualism. There is a place of knowing your own self-worth that is neither prideful, nor insecure.
Had I been more humble and less self-reliant heading into the pandemic, I wonder now if I might have avoided torturing myself with guilt and shame for all the ways I was not able to live up to my own unrealistic standards. I suppose this is a thought loop I had entertained as a high-performer for many years leading up to the pandemic. I anchored my worthiness to my accomplishments, and not in my own humanity as a child of God. It took the pandemic’s gravity (Do you see what I did there with the play on words in Defying Gravity?), for this to come to light more me. Can you relate?
The Freedom of Peace and Humility
Rather than offering up my best efforts and being at peace about it, as a mother and NYC healthcare worker responding to COVID-19, I convinced myself that I was failing across the board. Anxiety can have a powerful grip on our hearts and flood our emotions. In my own (perhaps overly inflated) view of myself heading into the pandemic, pride told me that I should have been able to handle it all with grit and grace. If ever (whenever) my actions fell short, it was surely my fault and the source of great pain.
What if I could have reminded myself, that I was not the one in control? That it wasn’t all “on me.” Might I have broken the cycle of dashed pride followed by waves of anxiety. What does true humility during trials and hardship look like? Is it possible it presents as confident hope? Fr. James Rebeta challenged us last week to “Have the courage to NOT BE discouraged.” While I have not been able to fully live those words, it’s been a mantra I find myself returning to again and again.
“Have the courage to not be discouraged.”
Fr. James Rebeta, C.S.C.
The Freedom found in Reconciliation
My best friend from Notre Dame and I met up last Saturday in Manhattan. While my husband was in disbelief when he asked what we did when we met up in NYC. The honest answer was that we went to confession. This is 100% to my best friend’s credit. I would not have searched this up, nor placed it as a top priority for our kid-free night on the town.
And yet, I found myself sitting reflectively in a pew waiting for my best friend to arrive. I prayed for my father (who we lost in August 2021), for my Godfather (who we lost in December 2021), and for myself (who is trying to “get her shit together”) coming out of being a NYC healthcare responder and working mom of two elementary school students who recently moved to Yale.
My friend arrived and I sat in the pew next to her somewhat dreading going in. An incredible and devote person, Allison’s last reconciliation was literally in the last month. When I walked in, it was “bless me Father for I have sinned, I cannot even remember my last reconciliation. Definitely not since the COVID-19 pandemic.” What came next was very different than what I anticipated…
I laid it all out there. My intent, my failures, my insecurities. To his credit, the priest listened and then much to my surprise put his hands together to applaud my efforts. I truly couldn’t believe it. I did not (and still don’t) feel that I deserved it. Here I was confessing how broken I was and very pointedly admitted where I had fallen short.
Rather than judging me, this priest told me that God saw my heart, my intentions, and the daily battle I fought in trying to fight the GOOD fight. Much like this week’s Gospel of Jesus calling a sinner, Zacchaeus down from the tree. Christ entered the house of a sinner and left the house of one forgiven.
The sweet priest I met in confession contrasted our human struggles to the comic, Jim Gaffigan, who takes real-life content and makes it funny. He continued, that during the pandemic God took our real-life struggles and made them holy. He continued that the fact we survived it is proof of God’s goodness and intention for our lives.
But you have mercy on all, because you can do all things; and you overlook people’s sins that they may repent.
For you love all things that are and loathe nothing that you have made; for what you hated, you would not have fashioned. And how could a thing remain unless you willed it; or be preserved, have it not been called forth by you?
But you spare all things, because they are yours, O Lord and lover of souls, for your imperishable spirit is in all things!”
– Book of Wisdom 11:23-12:1
How Now Shall We Heal?
The theme song I recently adopted for this latest chapter of life is “Hold On” from the Secret Garden. I have shared a snippet of the lyrics to give you a flavor of the humility, resilience, and resourcefulness inherent in its words.
“What you’ve got to do is finish what you have begun,
I don’t know just how, but it’s not over ’til you’ve won!
When you see the storm is coming, see the lightning part the skies,
It’s too late to run-there’s terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember this old thing you heard me say:
“It’s the storm, not you, that’s bound to blow away.”
Hold On, “The Secret Garden” by Lucy Simon
We were not allowed to roll-over and die, we did our best to survive and continue to try to do our best to thrive. With the help of many others (colleagues, friends, family, neighbors), we got through it! There was both grit and grace in it. We were resourceful and resilient. We have and continue to hold on.
Choking back tears, I remembered this sweet man who I met for the first (and only time) after 9:00am Mass on July 10th. The next day, I’d have my ear surgically reconstructed to remove all melanoma following the discovery of a cancerous mole on the back of my left ear helix.
Fr. Tom had also been diagnosed with malignant Melanoma that same week. His cancerous mole was on top of his scalp, and at the time of diagnosis was in advanced stages and quite deep. Sharing our news with one another, he offered a blessing over me and told me that he’d be praying for me. I told him that I’d reciprocate those prayers. The fiercely devote women of St. Augustine promised to pray for us both.
This morning, I healthily stood before the congregation leading song. Later this week, he will be laid to rest. Why was I spared, when he was taken? It feels both scary and unfair. In my own journey, I’ve oscillated between minimizing the seriousness of the diagnosis and feeling overwhelmed by its gravity.
There is so much we will not understand in this life. I do believe that every good thing is God’s grace. Why have the last few years brought with them such anguish and pain? Time heals all wounds. This time has provided a transformational lesson of the heart. We have each endured hardship. Let us each hold on to the hope and peace that passes understanding coming out of the pandemic, loving one another and loving ourselves.
When the gravity of darkness and strife brings us to our knees, we must be strong, we must lean into our resilience, and rise! Picking ourselves back up again and learning to love ourselves (flawed as we may be) is the only way to contribute to the beautiful rollercoaster of love, trials, and learning that is life.
