My Lord God,
– Thomas Merton
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
I think I can safely say, on behalf of all of us, that 2020 has turned out not at all the way we expected. There has been so much hardship and pain for each of us, and also a unique opportunity to turn inward, reevaluate what really matters, and gain clarity on the “rocks” in our lives. “Rocks” are those things that are so foundational to our values that they should not budge or make way to the impermanence of the rapids of our day-to-day challenges.
As I take a moment to reflect in the quiet of the early morning this Thanksgiving, the “rocks” of my loving family, my sweet husband, my energetic children, my anchoring faith, my incredible team, my calling to serve and make a contribution to purpose-based work, and the support of close friends and colleagues are what I’m most grateful for this year. Add two miniature goldendoodle pups to the “rocks” above and it’s as clear that these have been the blessings that have carried me through 2020.
What are those “rocks” for you? I encourage you to find an authentic expression of thanks to reach out this holiday season and let them know!
The indulgence of feeling like Job
This past year, I’ve often joked with my husband and close friends of sympathizing more than ever with the Biblical figure of the Prophet Job. This story also appears in the Talmud in Jewish teaching, as well as in the Quran in Islamic teaching. Something about the story of being tested with extreme and frequent doses of adversity has universal application to the human experience.
For our family this showed up in almost an unimaginable combination of events that seemed to unfold on almost a weekly this past year. While we bounced back from each trial and the intensity of the feelings surrounding these events were valid, at some point I slipped into an indulgent and almost flippant way of telling the story of our year, ignoring all the blessings it concurrently contained.
I often opened with sarcastic, deadpan humor to lighten the conversation. I might start by saying “Living the dream” or “This year has been awesome,” and then go on to list the string of adverse events and waiting for the reaction of “Oh, my goodness! That’s unimaginable.”
Yes, our family has been hit by a series of deeply emotionally laden life events in quick succession with our daughter’s life-threatening accident and emergency surgery and my father going through a revolving door of 17+ readmissions, heightened by feelings of being utterly unable to help with his medical care. A tree fell through our roof during a tropical storm, we lost power for 9 days, and there was huge financial impact of the rebuild.
The intensity of my work on COVID-19 (24/7) and exposure to so much death in response to a global pandemic brought on feelings of depression, alongside losing two key members of my senior team at work to big leadership roles (super proud of each of them) made it all feel that much heavier. And as nearly all working families are dealing with this year, the struggle of being a two-career household with two kiddos, standing up remote learning, all the while our normal layers of childcare have evaporating. The list goes on.
What adversities have you faced this year? What have they taught you about yourself and what you value? How have you grown in 2020?
The Perspective Gratitude Brings
Thanksgiving has long been my favorite secular holiday. I love the beauty of autumn, the gathering of family, the traditions, and even doing dishes together to follow. Handsdown, it’s the only day of the year I enjoy that domestic task! Perhaps what I love most is the normalcy of sharing what you’re grateful for with friends and family far and wide.
Many years ago, at a big Kingsbury family Thanksgiving celebration, my sweet cousin, Amanda, offered up that “She was thankful for technology.” It stood out amidst more predictable answers of family and friends, etc. Boy, did we make fun of that response, and she’s been teased incessantly about it each year since. Amanda, you were a visionary!
Particularly this year, I’m incredibly grateful for technology which has enabled our family to come together to celebrate births, baptisms, birthdays, burials, and most recently seeing my father receive a Quilt of Valor from a close family friend.
Technology has enable Matt and me to work remotely during much of this year. It’s enabled my kiddos to continue learning when it’s been unsafe to attend school. It’s made this period of isolation tolerable.
But I’m grateful for so much more than wifi and smart devices. I’m grateful for those people I’m connecting with on the other side of cyberspace. Those “rocks” I’ve mentioned above. Despite hardships and social distance, I’ve not gone it alone. Far from it, I’ve had countless people who have been there for me each step of the way, and sometimes have carried me when I felt almost unable to get back up again. For that, I am forever grateful.
I’m grateful that when asked if they could come out and help us this fall, my in-laws responded with the ultimate yes and flew across the country, rented an apartment and car for FOUR months, and have been the most loving and invested teachers our kiddos could possibly ask for. Both Natalie and Zachary are thriving in their learning, which is a blessing beyond what we could have possibly imagined.
I’m grateful for a narrow window of time that Natalie and I were able to fly to my home state of North Dakota in mid-September to be there for my Dad’s 77th birthday. I’m grateful for the time spent with him and my mom on four windy days at a picnic table outside the inpatient rehab facility. I’m grateful for the nights I was able to return alone and sit bedside with him, having conversation and recounting stories of his life six feet away and from behind a N95 mask. I was able to see my brother, meet his sweet baby girl for the first time, and connect with my dear Aunt Joyce and Uncle Bill, and my all-grown-up, college-aged cousin Holly (Matt and my flower girl!).
I’m grateful for my loving and supportive husband who has stood by my side and held me tenderly as I’ve cried many tears this past year. I’m grateful for the fun we’ve had, despite restrictions on what we could do and where we could go. I’m grateful for the deeping of our marriage and love for each other, and the closeness we’ve gained with each of our children for being home so darn much. I’m grateful for the spunk, intellect, love, and joy I see in each of my children, Natalie and Zachary. I learn something new from them each and every day. I’m thankful for the two beautiful, fun-loving pups we’ve added to the family. Who knew I’d be SUCH a dog lover.
I’m grateful for my hard-working, dedicated, and super-smart team at work. They have risen to every occasion 24/7 throughout this pandemic with professionalism, thought, resilience, and rigor. I couldn’t be a more lucky boss. I’m also thankful for SO many colleagues across the organization who have been there for me, checked in on me, and reaffirmed that I was doing a good job, despite pesky feelings that I was failing.
I’m grateful for dear friends, those who have provided support to my family and me during 2020 in countless ways, and each and every one of you reading this. It really does take a village, doesn’t it?! Thanks for being a member of my village.
What are you grateful for today? What blessings stand out most when you reflect back on your year? This might help you define those “rocks.”
To close, I want to share with you an impactful prayer Matt and I received in a card yesterday from our special cousin, Mindy. As we each read it, it kind of knocked our socks off and reminded us that there is so much more to be grateful for than that which I’ve listed above. I hope it touches you as as it touched us this Thanksgiving and gives us all deeper perspective.
In everything, give thanks! Warmly, Mary
Off to make mashed potatoes and lefse!
