“The great marriages are partnerships. It can’t be a great marriage without being a partnership.”

– Helen Mirren

Today Matthew and I celebrate thirteen years of marriage. Perhaps given the ominous nature of that number, it is fitting that on year thirteen we ring in the “Mask Anniversary.”

Last night our eight-year-old daughter, Natalie, cultivated a romantic ambiance, adorning our dining room table with dried lavender spears, votive candles, and petals from a white azalea in the backyard. We ordered take-out from a favorite local restaurant, and enjoyed “kicking up our feet” and reminiscing.

In true Enquist style, we were exhausted from working hard in the yard, planting six magenta azaleas to flank a little footbridge in our garden. The flowers were Matthew’s thoughtful gift to me.

A few weeks ago, I considered using today’s post as an opportunity to share the beginning of our love story, meeting at Notre Dame, dating long-distance, and falling in love. And while that is a darling story I’d like to tell another day, the inherent challenges of the past few weeks find me more deeply appreciating the more mature love and leadership inherent in the partnership of our marriage.

In high school, I dreamt with my best friend, Katelyn, about what our future spouses would be like. On a sheet of paper, we made lists about the qualities and values they would each possess. We tucked them in the top drawer of my dresser like a time capsule to rediscover years down the road. On trips back to my childhood home in the years since, I’ve stumbled across the lists a few times and it always makes me smile.

There are definitely qualities we hit on that are core to the person I chose in Matthew, but there was also an over-emphasis on sharing interests I held at that time. We were certain he’d love horses and be a great musician (ideally a pianist so he could accompany me, because that would be convenient!). Well, as life would have it, I fell in love with someone who is allergic to horses and appreciates music, but doesn’t play an instrument (except he somehow remembers “The Pink Panther” from his piano lessons circa the fifth grade).

Foundational values of faith and family were a must for me. What my eighteen-year-old self did not quite appreciate was the need to find a match who shared my extreme work ethic. Matthew certainly does! I actually don’t know that I’ve met a harder worker than Matthew, and he says the same about me. We agree that many partners wouldn’t understand that level of drive (and would probably be pretty annoyed by us).

Matthew is a leader and I love that about him. When I went through a company-sponsored leadership training, he picked up my books and started reading them himself. We spoke at length about the best practices and brainstormed applications both with our children and our respective teams.

For his birthday the following year, I gifted him the opportunity to attend a two-day boot camp through Conant Leadership with the same phenomenal CEO, Doug Conant, that I had worked with at the Higher Ambition Leadership Institute. Sharing a common language and set of shared beliefs in our marriage has deepened our love and support of one another in a special way.

Matt’s a traditional architect and sure enough, the leadership model he developed working with Doug is stunning and inspirational. Taking the form of the facade of a church, Matt chose the core value of “Integrity” as its foundation. In its mantel (or in architectural lingo, its tympanum) he placed the word “Trust.” Together these principles (along with the other elements of his model) culminate in “a culture of excellence” in the dome. While integrity and trust weren’t words I’d thought of for that list of what I wanted in my future husband, I cannot think of anything more important.

The partnership of our marriage has pushed us both to aspire to levels of excellence in our work and in our own character development that are beyond what I imagined could be possible. We still both have lots of work to do on ourselves (and our marriage), but having the right partner by your side makes it easier and more fun.

This morning as we were just waking up, Matthew said something simple and profound, “I’ve known who you were, I love the person you are, and I believe in the person you want to be.” I mean, how lucky am I!?!

When I think back on moments in our marriage when Matthew’s leadership came shining through, several come to mind. Two common threads are foresight and persistence. Another commonality to these crucible moments is that I was not at my best. Ha!

In the first, I was about five months pregnant with Natalie. It was Super Bowl Sunday and we had plans with friends later that night. It was pouring in New York City and we went from apartment to apartment, trying to find a new, bigger home for our growing family.

Tramping through the rain with morning sickness, I was grumpy and impatient. If you’ve ever shopped the rental market for NYC apartments, you know that the inventory and what you can get for your money is disappointing to say the least. That day was no different. I was ready to call it quits. Matt wanted to see one last place.

Looking at the price tag, I thought it was outside of what we could afford. It was beautiful, full of sunlight, and had an incredible view of the New York City skyline. It had been renovated to sell and had sat on the market for a year. Matt was able to negotiate a rental lease at a price that worked for our monthly budget and a rider with the right of first refusal in the event we wanted to buy it.

We showed up late to the Super Bowl Party, but with big smiles and peace of mind. Problem solved. That sweet two-bedroom in Clinton Hill served our family exceptionally well for the next four years. It was the home we welcomed both our children into as babies after a short taxi ride over the Brooklyn Bridge from NYU Langone Health.

Speaking of the right of first refusal, our landlord triggered this option when I was past my due date with our son, Zachary. Again, uncomfortable beyond words, grumpy, and not at all motivated to gather every single piece of financial information imaginable, I was a real peach.

Matt rose to the occasion in getting us pre-qualified for a mortgage. Everything in my being said, “this is not the next most pressing thing,” but Matt knew that if we didn’t take care of it in this narrow window, there was a risk to our family in having the rental agreement triggered while we were home with a newborn. Locking in a great rate, the mortgage approval came through.

A few days later, I birthed an almost eleven-pound baby boy (Zachary was 10 lb, 11 oz)! Matt took off a week during my maternity leave. I was touched and excited to have some time together. Again, in true Enquist style, it was not spent just cuddling baby Zachary and brunching around Brooklyn. This was going to be a productive week! Matt was on a mission. He rented a car and we were off to the ‘burbs north of New York City each day in search of a house.

Neither of us being locals and with no family in the area, we knew next to nothing about the various communities going into the process. Matt researched with discipline and rigor. He talked to lots of different people. We found the most incredible realtor, Marcia (who was a huge help), and in the end threw an educated dart.

I’ll never forget the day we stumbled into Houlihan Lawrence in Larchmont. We had just had lunch around the corner at Polpettina, a cute wood-fire pizza place that reminded us of Brooklyn. Matthew and Marcia were sifting through over a hundred spec sheets of homes in the area. Matthew’s architectural training came shining through as he selected and rejected options within a few seconds of seeing each.

I was overwhelmed beyond belief, not fully grasping how to stack up our monthly rental cost to the price of a home with mortgage. Everything seemed so expensive and so permanent. In my defense, I had a newborn in a BabyBjorn and needed to intermittently breastfeed during this process. I had also just taken on a stretch role in my company leading the Strategy Team six months prior, and was set to return to work shortly.

Me being of no help, Matthew identified one home in particular and put its sheet on top of the pile. Again, I had ruled it out on cost, but taking advantage of the slow market, he negotiated it into our price range. In the end, this was the house we visited first and ultimately bought. A white Federal-style colonial with a stone mote, foot bridge, and a yard full of landscaping possibilities, our little house at 20 Revere Road has truly become a home.

The last memory I’ll share is more recent and doesn’t involve real estate. It has forever changed the course of our son’s life. I’ll never forget the day after Christmas in 2017, sitting in the wee hours of the morning in the lobby of the AmericInn in Grafton, ND.

Seeking speech therapy for Zachary to improve his articulation, I opened the process for him to be evaluated by the school district to receive services. Trying to be proactive and given that it was free if he qualified, I couldn’t imagine why not try. Over the course of the next eighteen months, Matthew and I were on a roller coaster of discovery that ultimately came down to some earwax blockages(!) and a little boy with a diagnosis of ADHD, combined type.

Discussing options on how we as parents could best support Zachary’s development, the clinical psychologist working with our family described a program that would require intensive training and daily practice, lasting about sixteen-twenty weeks.

We’d need to bring Zachary into the city once a week. Matt and I would be taught best-practice techniques for behavioral modifications in parenting Zachary. It was evidence-based, showed remarkable results, amazingly covered by my insurance as an employee, and a logistical nightmare.

Seeing the dread in my face as I thought through how to make it all work, Dr. Diaz offered another option that would just teach us the parent techniques without having to bring my four-year-old into the city weekly for the next four-five months. Sign me up!

But Matt wouldn’t settle, taking the long-term view. Looking back on that decision, it was the best thing we ever did both for our son (and daughter as the applications translate to her too) and for getting on the same page in our parenting techniques.

We’re thirteen years in and still writing our love story. I cannot imagine a better partner, support, and leader to be working side-by-side with on this crazy journey. Having us both at full tilt on multiple fronts, giving our all to our careers, our family, and through volunteerism to communities we care about, doesn’t make for an easy road.

Thankfully neither of us really wanted “easy.” We enjoy and are fulfilled by hard work. We aspire to always do better and push each other to be our best. We hold each other accountable when needed, and believe me, we both have work to do every day. It’s not a perfect marriage, but I do believe it’s a pretty great partnership. For that, I’m forever grateful.

Love you, my dance partner! Happy anniversary.