In anticipation of Mother’s Day, I dedicate this piece to my mom and all working mommas (and poppas) out there who are giving their absolute best across all fronts right now. My wish for you this Mother’s Day is that you know and deeply feel that it is enough and that what you are shouldering is incredible.

“Patience is a virtue,” my mom has always said. It was one of those maxims Mom hammered into our mental model during childhood. And as she had four children within seven years, I can only imagine the patience my dear mother needed to get through her days. She truly is a saint and one of the most patient people I’ve ever met.

I used to think I was a decently patient person. I’ve even been told that I am. Then COVID-19 happened. Among the many lessons this crisis has taught all of us is the ultimate lesson in patience. As I am on the verge of losing it or have blown completely past that point, I hear my mother’s voice reminding me, “patience is a virtue.”

I grit my teeth, let out a deep breath, and dig deeper to try to muster up whatever reserve of patience I can find. Reflecting on the trajectory of my relationship with this elusive virtue during this crisis, there are several dimensions of patience that I have come to appreciate.

Learning to Have Patience with Myself

A few days into COVID-19, I struggled to mentally absorb the reality of a month-long school closure, wondering how my husband and I were going to get through it. As this happened concurrent with a global public health crisis and my company at the front lines of this battle, my role (like everyone else’s in healthcare) turned into a 24/7 gig.

Now the real heroes in this battle are our front-line workers, and there is/was constant guilt as an administrator in not doing enough to support them. Still, the dynamic of my new reality was my worst nightmare on repeat daily, with no end in sight.

Yes, I’m known to occasionally have a flair for the dramatic, but the feelings and fears were very real. One of my core beliefs is that “Family comes first; career enables family.” Here I was staring down the ultimate priority clash of not only my children’s childcare and safety, but their education, pinned up against my commitments to my company, my team, and our patients in a time of absolute crisis. I deeply care about both and always want to give my best to both, but how?

My son’s clinical psychologist called me the first week to check in on Zachary and to warn me to expect to see an uptick in defiant behavior as any kid with behavioral tendencies would experience, having his routine disrupted. In her kindness, she also checked in on me as a leader within the company, as she knew what we were up against. The tears that had begun to build hearing what I knew was sure to be true for my five-year-old son who has ADHD, spilled down my cheeks as she asked how I was doing.

I went on to describe the somewhat irrational, but very real feelings that my kids would be better off in this time had I not made the career decisions I had up to this point, assuming I was the worst among all mothers given the level of commitments I had to my career. To make matters worse, I had a converse lie on repeat in my mind that my team and company would be better off had they a different leader in my role, assuming someone with fewer responsibilities at home would pull off my job with more grace than I could muster.

She stopped me in my tracks and asked me to play out both statements more fully until I came up with a conclusion that was different than these pesky lies I had been telling myself. She urged me to be patient with myself as I adjusted to my new normal, trusting I was resourceful and resilient enough to figure out a way to make this all work.

Learning to Have Patience with Others

As predicted, both of my kids had a difficult transition into their new normal. My daughter, the eight-year-old social butterfly, craved the interactions with friends inherent in school and extracurricular activities. Her frustration and loneliness presented itself in extreme defiance and a level of sass beyond her years. The level of patience and understanding my husband and I have needed to “love her right through it” (as my mother-in-love would say) has been nothing short of herculean.

My son adores the extra family time and more easily adjusted to having mommy as teacher. He and I are both early risers, so we have been able to fit in kindergarten before I attend to my work schedule. Because he is a fidgety kindergartner with inattentive tendencies and a short attention span, I often take deep breaths to remind myself to hang in there with him, allowing movement breaks as needed, and continuing to come back to the material until he is able to get the work done.

Both my husband and I have had to gain a much deeper level of patience for the messes they create and the time spent on household cleaning and food preparation. We’ve gained patience during interruptions in our work (and an occasional Zoom meeting) as one or both of them needs attention or help during our work days. There is patience, too, in planning a week ahead for grocery items and coping with the scarcity of staples like toilet paper that we had previously taken for granted.

Like a muscle, my patience has grown as this situation persists each week. Keeping in perspective the longitudinal nature of the kids’ education (and childhood) and aiming for progress, not perfection, I have started to better accept and even enjoy the process of teaching them. Through it all, I have learned just how special and patient the teachers who work with our children truly are.

Patience in Accepting What’s Outside of My Control

Perhaps what’s been most difficult since the onset of COVID-19 is not knowing when it’s going to end and what the world will look like on the other side. Another realization I’ve had during this experience is just how much I love being in control.

I like to have control of my day and my schedule. I like feeling on top of my work and in-the-know regarding what’s happening with my team. I wish I had full control of my children and their behavior (smile). While there is still much I can influence, what’s been most difficult for me is accepting just how much is out of my control. Even my physical work space is a constant negotiation, depending on who wants to be near me.

Last week I was itching to bring some semblance of normalcy to my life and the life of my team in planning a “return to work” schedule for approximately a month out. It was important to me to give people time to plan and figure out logistics. Literally within hours of getting the plan set in my mind, the governor announced the cancellation of schools for the remainder of the year. While I had cognitively prepared for this potential reality, I felt a loss of hope, a loss of control, and a rude awakening that so much of what my life will look like in the next 6 weeks (or more) is truly outside of my hands.

Letting go of control in some aspects of my life has allowed me to lean into a patience that surpasses understanding, trusting that we’ll be okay and get through this somehow. Perhaps there has been a lot less in my control all along and I had just come to perceive a false sense of authority over my life that was never truly there.

Patience is a Virtue

While I still have a loooong way to go in toning up the muscle of patience, I am more at peace with myself, my family, and the situation we find ourselves in. What I have found to be most critical to bringing patience into each daily challenge is restoring my own resilience.

While few of us are choosing air travel these days, there is a lesson to be learned in the opening safety message, “Secure your own mask before assisting others.” I’ve found that giving myself breaks, mental and physical from those who need me (where I cannot hear if someone is crying), allows me to be more patient when I return. My husband likes to think of it as “lengthening the fuse.” It might be a walk around the neighborhood (without kids), a run to clear my head, or even hanging out in the hammock in the backyard.

I remember even my dear mother going to town occasionally to get away. Living in the country, ten miles outside of a small town, we never really knew where she went or what she did for those hours she left. Sometimes she returned with groceries. Sometimes she had gone to the community center to swim laps.

I guess even saints need a break from time to time. Though far from that level of depth in my own patience, I know I surely need those time-out moments from my work and my family to bring my best self forward to both.

Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you! Please carve out a little time for yourself this weekend. Above all, know that what you do is enough and you deserve a bit of respite for yourselves!

Mary